I'll be honest, I don't quite know what to say to begin, but I am starting this blog mainly as a source to record insights I gain through my journey of letting perfectionism go, but also to hopefully be an inspiration to others struggling with similar things.
I had no idea how much my "perfectionism" was squelching me from the inside out until I was well into my search for relief from my struggle with depression. Depression was honestly the LAST thing I EVER thought would be my challenge in life. Growing up I was always the happy-go-lucky, perpetually optimistic, find-the-silver-lining-in-everything kind of girl. While I was studying at BYU my dad commented to me on the phone one day that I always seemed to find a way to be positive even in the middle of my struggles. I really took pride in my resilience and (I'll be honest) was kind of judgmental of people who weren't, including my friends who had depression. Though I tried to be compassionate, I was the poster child of all the stigmas against people who struggle with mental illness. I would try to get them to look on the bright side of things, thinking if they would just do something positive they would feel better and be able to snap out of it. I thought it was something within their control and they just weren't trying hard enough. I would try to motivate them, not realizing that there was an actual mental block keeping them from being able to make that switch of their own accord.
I was in my missionary preparation class at BYU as my professor spent a whole lecture on the possibility of facing depression as a missionary when I literally had this thought cross my mind: "I'm so glad I'll never have to worry about this..." and dismissed the rest of the lecture. To this day I have no recollection of the advice he gave; I had no idea that day would be an ironic forecast of what would become the hardest struggle of my life.
I'll leave more of the details of my journey to future posts, but it wasn't until now--7 years later--that I have learned a root cause of all this mental anguish has been my perfectionistic expectations of myself (I say "a" root because I'm still trying to figure things out and I'm sure there is still more I have yet to uncover in this complex issue). Yeah, it had crossed my mind several times and many people tried to tell me that holding myself to such a high (and unattainable) standard was part of the problem, but I honestly didn't know how to let those expectations go, and I didn't realize their power to manifest themselves through such real, physical ailments. It's been through my journey of finding healing that I have not only learned how to better manage symptoms of depression, but I am also in the process of being transformed from the inside out in my thought patterns, the way I see myself, and in my perception of the way God sees me.
I truly hope that by sharing my journey, others will be able to find similar healing and confidence in themselves. ❤ I am grateful that God has led me through this heartache so I could gain a different perspective of myself and my purpose and become a much better person through it.
